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27 September 2013 @ 12:11 am
Thank you, my family  
I can certainly feel grateful to my family. My parents helped pay for a huge portion of my college education and granted me a car and they are relatively supportive in my life goals. However, they (namely, my mom) have no understanding of love.

I think my brother and I, being raised in the US, do both love each other and our parents. Yet my parents have trouble loving each other and even us properly.

Since I was a child, my parents fought. They fought over things my brother did, things I did, things they did separately, and things they did to each other. It was at least weekly, if not a nightly occurrence. When I went to college, maybe I forgot about it. Maybe I didn't. I tried to watch a comedic play about two "crazy" couples and left in tears because that was my parents. Yet they weren't crazy. They just fought and hurt each other on a daily basis.

Then I moved back home and I was reminded of it again. This time, it was mostly me vs. my parents. The typical job and boyfriend type of fights. But this time, I learned through the fights my parents' true motives and I like to think that I've "tamed" them in regards to my issues. But that doesn't stop them from still fighting with each other (they've been married, what, like 30 years now??) and initially, I mediated, but how many hundreds of times can you fight about the same thing (with me explaining to each side what they other side really means)? I got a full-time job and I saw them less and that helped.

But now it's my brother's turn. Honestly... I can't imagine how much harder it might be for him because he's always felt inferior to me (not really sure why) and my mom loves to compare, of course. Then, she judges him based on incredibly fickle issues like his girlfriend's skin and his method of job-searching (well she makes legitimate points but you don't have to be a dick) and uh, like not responding to a text after FIFTEEN minutes. Her excuse is that she's sick. Well, she's already made all of us sick. And the real problem is that she accuses him (well all of us) of hating her and thinking she's worthless when that's what she thinks about herself. And yes, I have pointed all of this out to her many many many times.

So yeah. Thank you, my family. I hope I get some sleep tonight despite your yelling at each other.
epiic (SpookyElectric)epiic on September 27th, 2013 06:17 pm (UTC)
I don't know that "no understanding of love" is the problem at all.
In fact that they do love you / each other is WHY things are so strained. The more someone matters to you, the harder it is to let them do things that you think is a mistake for them. I think that's why "lovers quarrels" are such a normal thing. And some people are just more particular (and arbitrary seeming) about what they feel is poor choice. And some people are just more irritable in general, which is a very separate issue from expression of love of lackthereof.

It's so strained with parents and children for example when the parent feels the child is doing something wrong, it matters more to them because they care about them. And for the child they can't just brush off the disapproval lightly because it matters that the parent who matters to them understand them.

Just like maybe your parents are having issues with you/your brother/each other, you are annoyed with them because you feel they are doing something essentially self-destructive. But that doesn't mean you don't love them. It's the same on their end from what it sounds like to be based on this.
Alice: emo ninjatenshiyaki on January 21st, 2014 09:00 am (UTC)
HAhahaa so I'm replying to you tonight because my parents are fighting again.

I'm not doubting the presence of love. My parents clearly care about me (I'm omitting my brother for simplicity's sake) but it manifests itself in stifling and twisted ways. This is nothing new in our world of improper parenting, but the worst part is when they turn against each other. My dad is probably pretty normal. He tries his best and makes his best effort but he's careless and a bit prideful. My mom is the real problem. She has the eternal maturity of a 14-year-old girl. She is blind to any action to help/assist/care for her because she's too perfectionist to trust anyone. She accuses my dad of things like "You don't like me because you don't show it" and of us, "Nobody cares about me". I mean... do you see my issue? We can only try to coddle her so much. But as soon as we make a single misstep (i.e. taking more than 15 minutes to answer a text message), it escalates into "EVERYONE HATES ME" in her mind. She's seen numerous psychiatrists who only shower her with compliments about how great of a mother she is with no helpful advice whatsoever. Anyway, I think she's starting to get a bit better in her calm moments, but when she's stressed out, she always reverts back to her childish, volatile state. I'm gonna stop here since they seemed to have stopped yelling, but I'm sure that the argument solved nothing.
epiic (SpookyElectric)epiic on February 4th, 2014 09:27 pm (UTC)
Hmm... sorry about the late reply.
There's a book my dad is a fan of called the five love languages. I think he gives it too much credit, but it could explain how your mom feels.
TL;DR, different people react to different things in order to feel loved. Words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, physical touch. So you need to find what it is that your mom is looking for, which may not be your own typical way of expressing love.
:shrug: Something to think about, maybe also irrelevant.

But some people really don't seem to grow up in general, and accept that there is a world around them. So it could just be that too.

Eitherway, sounds like moving out could be a good idea.
epiic (SpookyElectric)epiic on September 27th, 2013 06:18 pm (UTC)
Also, family can be much easier to deal with when you don't live with them.